There was only 2 weeks left and my legs didn’t remember any long runs.
– “Did you apply?”, Steven asked on Friday.
I gave him the same answer I have been giving every day last week: “I am not sure. I will see how my Saturday long run goes”.
– “You will be fine” he said with comforting voice and without the false coaxing. Now when I think about it – It really felt great to hear someone believing in me, even though I would doubt myself as often as I could.
– “I might start slowly at 5:30 per km. I don’t have much experience, so I better be careful and adjust the speed later”, I replied justifying myself for the feeling that I was under-trained.
– “Oh you should go with 5:10, you trained enough”. Steven is experienced marathon runner and not the guy who would say that without really meaning it.
– “I will see how my Saturday’s run goes” – I kept well behind in my safety zone. Steven stopped repeating himself and I felt like I should stop finding excuses and apply for the run instantly. But I didn’t. I waited for my long run to see how it would go…
Have you ever felt overconfident about something? Well I often feel comfortably doubtful. I don’t make decision. I don’t take responsibility. I don’t take risks. I don’t do stuff. No wonder I keep clashing with the world. Actually, I keep running from it, building a wall around my little existence. I often need a wall high enough to protect me from my fuck-ups and allowing me not to make any decisions. Even if there could ever be a wall high enough it wouldn’t stop the world from changing. Have you ever felt you want to freeze the world around you so you could feel safe?
16km run on the Saturday went fine. I new I could do it even before Saturday but I had to be sure. 500% sure.
“Maybe 16 km is not long as 21, maybe I should try again next Saturday? Let’s push 18 then and then decide!” – series of cries for certainty overflow my head while I was opening half marathon webpage pushing my logical system slowly to overcome madness. 10 euro higher fee if I don’t apply that evening was a poke strong enough to make me go trough the registration process right away.
After I made a final click – I felt I could do it, same as I felt on Friday, before my long run, same as I felt next Saturday when I ticked off 17km and same as I felt last 2km during the actual race while my mind started slowly to detach from my body.
We all need a Steven to remind as of what we can do. We all need someone believing in us, even though we might doubt our selves to every tinny bit of our entity. The world will not stop if we have doubts – It will only spin faster. The only way for me to keep up with it was to build the wall to keep me feel safe.
Well, that was before. Now I just need to run.